Post by tongotongo on Aug 14, 2013 21:52:56 GMT -8
Page 4: Sol and Luna, Venus and Mars, so it takes place on Earth? Then why Sol / Luna instead of Sun and Moon. Sounds a bit artificial, seeking for effect.
If Mars came later, that could help for a nice segue into the war battle field with Mars being the god of war.
Bottom of this page: Including the reader by “we” feels odd at first, comes unexpected. Intentional? Okay, it gets understood later. If not intentional, then maybe reconsider a smother inclusion of audience.
Page 5 Why “(!)” after “Tyzlane Staff” introduction?
Page 6 Calling Macmillan “Old Mac” while looking at it from the perspective of a young Tyzmon seems overly intimate.
Page 7 Your using metric system? Interesting
Is “what the fuck is wrong with me” opportune language for the setting? Most language is “neutral” in that sense, but the f-word links it close to our contemporary language culture.
Page 8 “Fucking breezing” – again, doesn’t sound right in the context
Page 9 “Fucking” again first line Zombie reference is odd too, same as with “Fuck”, it’s a clear reference to our contemporary pop culture. Is the setting playing in the 21st century?
Post by r wesley edwards on Aug 14, 2013 22:23:59 GMT -8
a) word play, pretty much. Yes, Earth. b) Oooh. good idea. (How did I miss that ... I even set it up... sorta) thanks! c) The "voice" is a tricky subject. Perhaps I should make another board. d) "Tyzlane Staff" -- that was him suddenly remembering it, its name. e) He's the teacher, he's quite old. That's what they called him "behind his back" like we called our P.E. teacher 'old leather legs' -- we also thought she was a lesbian (why not?) f) Metric system. yes. I have choices like this: 1 Make something up. 2 use olde englishe measurementes. 3 use 'imperial' system (feet, inches, etc) 4 metric -- if I use metric the only ppl 'confused' are stupid Americans and I'm one of those, so... -- the truth is, I have to be consistent, else, Idk. g) Yeah, I feel like I should have 'editor bingo' that'd be the center square, I suppose. I think 3 ppl have pointed that out. But again, the voice is a tricky subject. Why /not/ talk to the audience using their language? It's cartoonish either way. h) now I have to find that particular couple of words. I wouldn't be the right person to ask, as I have to re-read the whole thing every time I make an addition. i) no. not 21st century. That's just me winking at the audience. 'wink wink, zombies eat brains' --- Incidentally someone else pointed out the Sol and Luna vs "The Sun" and "The Moon" thing -- and yes, they're both names for the same objects. I'll try to use Sol/Luna when I'm being prosaic and "The Sun"/"The Moon" when the people are talking/perspective/time of day, etc. -r -=-
No evidence? You are wasting your time. Sad for you.