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Post by tongotongo on Sept 8, 2013 4:50:56 GMT -8
Chapter 6 part 1 first page: The Narrator starts talking about his records of witnesses as if he were a real individual of this future world and not a persona above this reality. Now I know you said he can’t be trusted, which is fine, but this is a whole different story here. The whole narrator stream is not contingent if all of a sudden he acts on a different level. Do you know what I mean? Whether he is trustworthy or not, I need to understand where he sits in the story. He can’t be a real person at one stage, collecting witness interviews, and then describing people’s thoughts as a narrator on another level of consciousness in other parts.
Nice works done by this Jensen character. However, if they have DNA analysis tool, why didn’t they use any of this stuff on the dragon skin blade to find weaknesses or whatever they could learn about it? Instead they turn it into a knife? Sometimes the story seem to happen in the middle ages, then it just jumps ahead a few thousand years. Personally I always get annoyed when they have great technology in a stroy, and they only use it when it pleases the author, so to speak - gives me the impression I am deliberately left in the dark.
On page 64 is says “Jens stood up” – I guess on narrator level it should consistently be a more formal addressing – Jensen – It is really weird if the narrator gets personal with the characters for no obvious reasons.
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Post by r wesley edwards on Sept 9, 2013 15:00:56 GMT -8
***ADMIN/Author***Jens - first thing's first -- the narrator -- like the sci/fi stuff, the 'true Slim Shady' is going to take some time to stand up. I may have to alter some of the earlier parts (or not) to make it clear that ppl's thoughts come to the narrator 'cuz he asked them later -- there are exceptions, naturally, if he/she is privy to someone's thoughts at point a -- but they don't survive to tell anyone their thoughts ... that's BAD. That's the kind of inconsistency I have to kill kill kill. -- ps: Also thinking of re-working the 'my interviews' material --- the problem is that it's awkward as hell to leave Tyzmon's side -- the narrator has been like a following orb and I have to split. hashtag frustration! (I agree it needs work)2nd paragraph... They may have.... done this kind of DNA -- likely they didn't 'cuz Tyzmon didn't tell them to. He basically said: "I found this weird thing ... can you make me a knife?" *eye roll* anyway, considering what happened to whashisname when he tried to grind/sharpen the thing, maybe that wouldn't have worked. ...at least not after they cleaned the stench off it. In this particular case, I was actually working on hiding that this is sci/fi for as long as possible -- about 1/4 the way in, the soldiers have to use flashlights and I mentioned Hazel in IT/supplies and the jig is up. In FACT: the story takes place some 500 million years in the future. So I have to do some serious geology learning in the very near future -- yes, I did the math: Age of Appalachian Mountains (a) minus Age of San Gabriel Mountains (b) equals over 400 million years -- 480 000 000 - 20 000 000 = 460 000 000 -- but I like half a trillion. BUT IT'S A HUGE AMOUNT OF TIME. the Moon is moving away from Earth, the tectonic plates are moving at measurable amounts per year. There should be huge changes. Almost unrecognizable planet, creatures and even humans -- we'll play the Doctor Who card and just do the 'they survive' thing, but REALLY! and sorry: deliberately left in the dark about the sci/fi thing; but ALSO the valley is fkn bizarre. it has ... issues. something has HAPPENED to that valley. My valley, the San Gabriel Valley -- the 'archangel' stuff is future ppl confusing a saint gabriel w the Archangel Gabriel. but that's me amusing myself. paragraph 3-- oh, I'm not sure -- you're saying that "Jensen" is FORMAL for "Jens" or that "Jens" is an INFORMAL way to say "Jensen" ... this is your name, so this is more important than a typo. I need to know: is this wrong like it'd be wrong if we substituted 'Robert' for 'Jensen' and 'Rob' for 'Jens' or is it specific to your name/this character ... the context of the moment in the story. -r PS: Thank you so much for input.-=-
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Post by r wesley edwards on Sept 9, 2013 15:03:57 GMT -8
***ADMIN/Author*** Shit, Jens: One more thing -- there is perhaps another reason they maybe can't analyze Orc, Giant, Dragon 'DNA'.
But this is not to say they shouldn't have at least tried. (After Uta talks about "IT and Supply", I can be free to have someone say they DID try to analyze the thing before Mors cut the shit out of his hand...)
Thank you.
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