Post by tongotongo on Aug 18, 2013 19:50:04 GMT -8
1. I’m still struggling here and there with your language. You initially told me it would be a “poetic fantasy novel”. I just wonder if the use of very contemporary language is in that sense part of your poetry, because words like “uncool” (page 13) still strike me as odd compared to the more era-neutral language otherwise. (We've discussed "fuck" and the like already)
2. By the way, it might come handy to put page numbers on the – well – pages, might make it easier to figure out which details we’re talking.
3. The whole part where the brother appears was a bit difficult for me. New runes on the staff, swings it over a skeleton that just (coincidentally) lies there where they sit, he swings it over it (why this one, what motivation) and – plop – there’s his brother. I’m missing the picturesque narrative detail here. I mean it comes together in the end, but while the beginning was very descriptive, in this part things happen very abruptly and unintroduced. Then the dialogue
“You are awake, I see.” Assessed the fireman.
“You called me 'Shadow',” Complained Tyzmon.
just makes no sense to me. Why does the just awoken brother state that Tyz has awoken, why does Tyz complain to him (or still to Truth) about the Shadow name?
Maybe I fail to see the poetic quality of this bit, but all these things happen without any obvious reason. Even the daydreaming or not doesn’t quite explain what happens.
After that episode the narrative becomes clearer again. So the question I guess is whether this style is part of the daydreaming / hallucinating bits or whether it needs to be elaborated a bit more, especially to realise when Tyzmon crosses the threshold between daydreaming and reality.
4. So in what age is all this happening? E.g. Rachel page 25 – a hewbrew name? How much is this story linked to our real reality in terms of history, culture etc.
5. “Anti-room” page 26: Should it be an anteroom or antechamber?
6. “Mit hjem. Det er dit hjem.” (My house is yours.) Is that Dutch or some other real language? Significance of it?
7. "Hamlet of Helgen Ynez…" I can’t seem to remember where that came from or what it means.
8. “Bio-matter” page 37: “vegetables” or greens sounds less sci-fi (again: What time/age are we talking here?); Also there: where did trays and silverware etc. come from?
2. By the way, it might come handy to put page numbers on the – well – pages, might make it easier to figure out which details we’re talking.
3. The whole part where the brother appears was a bit difficult for me. New runes on the staff, swings it over a skeleton that just (coincidentally) lies there where they sit, he swings it over it (why this one, what motivation) and – plop – there’s his brother. I’m missing the picturesque narrative detail here. I mean it comes together in the end, but while the beginning was very descriptive, in this part things happen very abruptly and unintroduced. Then the dialogue
“You are awake, I see.” Assessed the fireman.
“You called me 'Shadow',” Complained Tyzmon.
just makes no sense to me. Why does the just awoken brother state that Tyz has awoken, why does Tyz complain to him (or still to Truth) about the Shadow name?
Maybe I fail to see the poetic quality of this bit, but all these things happen without any obvious reason. Even the daydreaming or not doesn’t quite explain what happens.
After that episode the narrative becomes clearer again. So the question I guess is whether this style is part of the daydreaming / hallucinating bits or whether it needs to be elaborated a bit more, especially to realise when Tyzmon crosses the threshold between daydreaming and reality.
4. So in what age is all this happening? E.g. Rachel page 25 – a hewbrew name? How much is this story linked to our real reality in terms of history, culture etc.
5. “Anti-room” page 26: Should it be an anteroom or antechamber?
6. “Mit hjem. Det er dit hjem.” (My house is yours.) Is that Dutch or some other real language? Significance of it?
7. "Hamlet of Helgen Ynez…" I can’t seem to remember where that came from or what it means.
8. “Bio-matter” page 37: “vegetables” or greens sounds less sci-fi (again: What time/age are we talking here?); Also there: where did trays and silverware etc. come from?